you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
