I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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