You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
