woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Did I show you my penis last night?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
not ubering you a puppy
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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