So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
