I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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