fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
