oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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