babies were throwing up all over the place
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
