she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This is the high leading the old right now
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
