I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
