why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
