Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
