please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
