so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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