Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
