I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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