Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
