The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
