Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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