I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
