i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
this beer tastes like vomit already
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Someone stole a lamp last night.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
