My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
