i just sent this text using only my big toe
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
