I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
