I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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