she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
