who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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