Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
