I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
