where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
