She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
