if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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