I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
