I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
