I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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