There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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