I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
