I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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