The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
