I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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