So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
