The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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