I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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