I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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