just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
