lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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