My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
