i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
