I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
