I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
