she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
